Saturday, June 18, 2011

Untitled 1

I am eager to wait for this day, dated 18th June 2011. Today marked my first 3 months at my new work place. Well, first of all I am apologized because my English have become poorer because honestly during these 3 months I rarely use English in my daily life.

Okay, back to the point where I have waited for the date. How I'm going to start? I want to write this very quick so I don't want to waste my time doing something else. I waited for three months well of course to hear the offer for confirmation. Confirmation requires an excellent performance during the first three months and then we will be evaluated by the superior or our bosses.

Yes, that's cool. But unfortunately, even the day has come but I don't want any more of this. I've tried to be a hardworking workers, I obey every orders, I try to handle everything but no, I don't think I can do it anymore. I have lost my appetite to eat, I didn't get enough sleep, my relationship with others has fallen to the lowest level. I don't want to be sucked into this bloody company. I don't want most of my time and effort used for works.

Well, I know I am new. I've been pushed around like a ball. I can't believe this is the place for me to gain good experience. So many friends encouraged me to still stand and overcome all the obstacles, challenges and so many more things but I think these things is just not so me. I hate this. Why I entered this field at the first place? Why???

Hurm, I do want a near workplace. So I got it. Yeah, my mother was so happy so some one can accompany her to live in her owned house. Yes, this come with certain price. My salary were reduced so significant so I believe this is the sacrifice need to be made. And I believe my salary is the lowest among my graduated friends. But for me, this lower salary should allow me to learn very nice and to catch up with everything at reasonable pace.

But it was so sad. No experience engineers, no reliable partners, and demanding company owners, I have to pretend that I am very expert in this field. Bull shit!!! They demand so many things and I am willing to do but there are no supervisor in this office who can watch me closely what I have done. Now it just like I am stranded here.

I believe, enough is enough. I have sacrificed most of my time to make them richer and richer but yet, it is not satisfying. I am not satisfy with myself. I want knowledge, I do get much knowledge. But now, I feel alone. I am alone in this company. Yes, it is true. Consultancy firm; you will mostly going home late. But this is seriously different. How come I am the only one who always return home late? Well, twice already I slept in the office. Yes guys, alone.

I feel like this even the boss doesn't scold me yet. I'm not afraid with that. I just disappointed with myself because I can't deliver it really well. I can't. I really can't cause I am alone. I don't know what to write anymore. I am down, really, really down right now. So guys, if you are in very happy and good feeling, just enjoy it and Thanks Allah Taala for whatever it is. Good bye. Take care.

I can't believe on this date, the third month of my working days, the date that I have waited so long, I am writing my tender resignation letter. What a date, the much anticipated date but it turns out really awkward. Hahahaha.

"229. IF A BUILDER BUILDS A HOUSE FOR SOMEONE, AND DOES NOT CONSTRUCT IT PROPERLY, AND THE HOUSE WHICH HE BUILT FALLS IN AND KILLS IT OWNER, THEN THE BUILDER SHALL BE PUT TO DEATH" – Hammurabi's Code Of Laws –

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Counting Up 2




Day 13
Erm, not much today. I might be thinking of it for about 3 or 4 times only. That’s nice. Hehe.

Day 14
Yeah, 2 weeks already. No need for NiQuitIn yet. But, oh my gosh. Please, suddenly it comes into my mind. I don’t want to think about it please.

Day 15
Hectic, tension arises. Argh, please. I want to stop. Why such situation and feeling came at the wrong time and at the wrong place. Dang it.

Day 16
Having a lab a.k.a. ‘bengkel’ today. Too boring and sleepy. Why the situation nowadays makes me want to make a U turn. But I won’t give a chance. O’ Allah, please help me. Amin.

Day 17
Waaa. Trying to be patient to face all the problems and works. Well, many of them is not taking it so I will be a part of team from them. I don’t want to think about it even for a second.

Day 18
I can’t remember.

Day 19
Ditto.

Day 20
Ditto.

Day 21
Ditto. But it is already 3 weeks without it. Yeah. Gambatter kudasai.

Day 22
Ditto.

Conclusion: I hope I will win this fight. Amin.


"229. IF A BUILDER BUILDS A HOUSE FOR SOMEONE, AND DOES NOT CONSTRUCT IT PROPERLY, AND THE HOUSE WHICH HE BUILT FALLS IN AND KILLS IT OWNER, THEN THE BUILDER SHALL BE PUT TO DEATH" – Hammurabi's Code Of Laws –

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Counting Up




Day –ve 001
“Curse you L&M, Pall Mall and all your family. I hate you” even though there was still a few last sip of the smoke. Well, this time I’m determined. I don’t want to wait till this pack finish. So I left this very last pack along with the lighter at the column. Yes, I am spirited. Well, maybe because it is still fresh from my last sip. But, let see how it going to be for tomorrow.

Day 000
Wow, it is already 12 hours without it. I’m already above the fence. So I’ve got to clear up the empty packs above my closet. And suddenly there is still one of it left. Well, let’s finish it. Fuuh, but *sigh*, I’m failed to started it again. But how nice I realized it half the way from it finish. Well, let’s get it started again.

Day 001
Hrnghhh. Today I’m working. Well, by noon I already completed 1 day full without it. Yes. But still the addiction is very strong as I’m sweating to fight with it. Please, help.

Day 002
Do I have to tell my ma? Nope, perhaps being secretive about this is much better.   So I can nurture my determination much higher. Hurnghhh, my friends thought I still taking it as usual but not anymore. But I have to accompany him outside the office.

Day 003
Well, I couldn’t believe I’ve made it this far. So it is true. To stop taking it, we should totally stop. Not slowly, but immediately. This thing should not be compromised. Well, the addiction of it still lingers very strong.

Day 004
I feel confident but still a bit confuse. This situation makes me so confuse. I have to stop any activities that I always did while taking it such as meditate in ‘Jamban’,  ‘angkat pakaian di jemuran’, driving slowly in the van… but wait a minute. Should I stop driving? Or do I suppose to drive very fast? Just kidding. Well, I have to stop as it will makes me want it so badly.

Day 005
Wow, I still can’t believe until this day. But still I miss it so bad and I almost want to ask my friend a sip of it. My naughty idea suggests that I should go out tonight and enjoy some Shisha. But my will says that I should not take it at all as Shisha just a sibling of it.

Day 006
Holiday and not working. Hnggh… staying at home make me feel uneasy. Waa, I sweat even more and I still fighting against it. Well, I fill my time with Kinecting all day long.

Day 007
Holiday again. And it is already 1 week without it. What an achievement I’ve got here. Alhamdulillah. But it is not great enough. I need at least 6 month to makes me feel free from it. I don’t want to be their servant anymore. I want to be free, free, freeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. But believe me, the addiction is too strong during holiday. *sigh*

Day 008
So this is the beginning of another week and I want to continue my new birth of life. Yes, I considered it as refreshing my life. But, the life become much more hectic and tension arose really fast. I believe this is the test for us who makes mistakes before. So we have to go through it. I do tell my ma, I want her prayers to help me to go through this fights. Thanks ma.

Day 009
Well, the change of everyday routine might affect the judgment of my mind. Yes I believe even people will get crazy because of drugs. But today is my lowest point in my life as I’m working at this place. The decision and deliverance of all the task are not totally correct. I might hurt somebody’s feelings. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it. It is out of control. And I’m not superior enough to prevent the event from happening.

Day 010
Because of yesterday issue, I feel I really need some sip of it as I want to get relax as I experienced before with it. But, I don’t want to waste my 10 days achievement. I need to be totally free from it by at least for 6 months. Plus, my friend told me that by 1 month, this addiction will forever gone. InsyaAllah.

Day 011
“Where do you want to go? Just relax a bit. Please have a piece of mine” my boss offered me the thing. But I’m sorry, I’m not taking it anymore. Well, for today I believe the addiction is lesser than previous days.

Day 012
Well, rewind a bit for today, erm, I don’t think that I ever thought about it for today. Alhamdulillah. No, I don’t need it. Yes, even though I think I became sleepy so easily this day but well, the feeling of freeness is great. But I have to get prepare because tomorrow is holiday. Holiday is tough as I have to keep busy to avoid thinking of it.

"229. IF A BUILDER BUILDS A HOUSE FOR SOMEONE, AND DOES NOT CONSTRUCT IT PROPERLY, AND THE HOUSE WHICH HE BUILT FALLS IN AND KILLS IT OWNER, THEN THE BUILDER SHALL BE PUT TO DEATH" – Hammurabi's Code Of Laws –